I never knew this part of the journey would affect me, change me in so many ways. When one is starting the adoption process you think- step 1 – pick an agency, step 2- complete homestudy, step 3- complete lots of paperwork, step 4- accept a referral, step 5- wait a little bit, and step 6- welcome a child into your family. It sounds so easy. Your social worker will tell you that it is a long process and that there will be some waiting involved, but you think you are immune to the waiting or that it won’t bother you.
You start the process and breeze through numerous steps with lightening speed and then you hit the brick wall. The wall that you didn’t think would affect you even if you did hit it. But here we are and I find myself banging my head against this wall. This wall is keeping me from my son. A son, I really don’t know. A son, I couldn’t identify if I needed to. A son, whose last picture I have is over a year old. A son, who I have never met. A son, who with each passing day, I am longing to hold and get to know. A son, that we are yearning to parent and love. A son, who has a bed waiting for him in our home. A son, who will no longer be an orphan, but will become a part of our family.
And so we wait. There are times, I feel like banging my head on the wall. There are times, I cry out to God, and beg Him to move this wall. There are times that I feel like this is all a dream. There are times, I feel like Jonathan is slipping away- further and further away. There are good days and bad days. There are days when I feel like today is going to be the day we get one step closer. There are nights I go to bed wondering if Jonathan will even be home in time for Christmas.
The key word is feel. I can feel so many things. The important thing for me to remember is that God is constant. God doesn’t change depending on my feelings. I don’t know why God is choosing to have us wait, but I know in my head that His timing is perfect. Now, I just need to get my head and heart on the same page. I need to choose to accept this wait and not become bitter. I need to know in my heart that God’s timing is perfect and that in His timing He will bring Jonathan home.
This journey is causing me to grow. It is causing me to cling to God for my comfort and support. It is drawing Jeremy and I closer together. It is giving my children a front row seat as they watch their parents handle the frustration of waiting. And yes, they are watching and waiting to see if we are putting into practice what we tell them about God. It is causing me to let go and give complete control to God. It is causing me to put one foot in front of the other and live today to its fullest. Yes, I will still wonder if today could be the day, but I will choose to not dwell on that. Instead, I will make peanut butter, pay bills, take the kids to the library, and be the best mom I can be to the children God has so graciously allowed me to parent right here, right now.
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I understand. I was there just a few weeks ago, and your post could have been one of mine.
ReplyDeleteI have learned something about adoption. It is not about bringing a child into our home. It is not about that moment of meeting or even the years we will spend together after that. It is about growing, changing, expanding to accept and bend to His will. It is about faith, hope, love. It is about dreams that are too big for us, but not nearly big enough for God.